The Latest Money-Making Scheme

A friend and I are going into business together to market a manic-depressive teddy bear.

It's called the Bi-Polar Bear.

It only comes in white, and like both boy bears and girl bears.

I Think I Deserved That

I came home to find my wife jumping up and down on the bed like a teenager.

"What in the world are you doing? Get down from there. You look ridiculous. What's wrong with you?"

"I just got back from having a mammogram, and the doctor said I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old."

"And what did he say about your forty-five-year-old ass?"

"Your name never came up."

18 Ways To Be A Good Liberal

1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding citizens are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Iran or North Korean communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial, but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

8. You have to believe that the teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach them about sex.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but PETA activists do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make "The Passion of the Christ" for financial gain only.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

17. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag queens and transvestites should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

18. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast right-wing conspiracy.

God Bless America!

19. Oops, can't do that either.

(Stolen from the Internet and therefore unattributable.)

PC Extreme

“Cream and sugar?”

“No thanks, I like my coffee African-American.”

—–

“That's like the pot calling the kettle African-American.”

—–

“I like old movies. Some people only watch films in color, but there's something quaint about seeing Citizen Kane in African-American and Caucasion.”

—–

“With my tax rebate, I got a new African-American and Decker chain saw.”

—–

“Have you seen that new movie, Nacho Libre ? Yeah, the one that stars Jack African-American.”

—–

“I got to meet the vice president, the president, and the first lady gave me a personal tour of the Caucasion House.”

—–

“I love that new song by the African-American Eyed Peas. I really don't like the album by the Caucasion Stripes.”

—–

“Yeah, I went to the Angel game. They were playing the Chicago Caucasion Sox.”

—–

“I didn't know she was so superstitious. She freaked out when an African-American cat crossed her path.”

—–

Cleanliness = Goggles

"They say cleanliness is next to Godliness, but I looked it up in the dictionary. Cleanliness is next to cleavage. Goggles is next to Godliness."

-- Gallagher

Black & White & Red All Over

I was wondering what fool saw a goldfish and thought it was gold. It's orange. I would the So-and-So was color blind, but that's a stupid term too. Folks who are blind can't see color, so it's kind of redundant. My friend is not color blind, but he has trouble with his greens and browns. Another friend, on the other hand, was truly color blind since he only saw in black and white -- but even then black and white are colors, sort of. Black is all colors and white is absence of color.

I could go on and on, but I'm giving myself a headache.

Picture = 1000 Words

A person (who shall remain nameless -- the chicken) suggested I should put pictures on my online writing pages to make them more interesting and attractive.

I'm a writer. I consider pictures to be a distraction and, if I may, a weakness. This is especially true since my writing doesn't rely on the news of the day or celebrity gossip to work.

I should be able to write without the crutch of a photo to camouflage my talent or lack thereof.

A picture may be worth a thousand words . . . unless you're a writer.

Six Of One

I have never considered myself handsome. My wife says she thinks I am, and the fact that she often says she needs to get her eyes checked only reduces the effectiveness of these statements.

Of course, she's the most beautiful woman in the world, and my eyes are fine. With corrective lenses.

Interview: Leann Sweeney

I recently got the opportunity to "grill" author Leann Sweeney, who, for disclosure purposes, I've known since 1995, when we both wandered into the same online writer's forum. I've been able to watch Leann's "dream come true" as she worked through the years to get that ever-elusive publishing contract.



Leann Sweeney is the author of the "Yellow Rose" mysteries, published by Signet (a division of the Penguin Group) -- Pick Your Poison, A Wedding To Die For and the latest Dead Giveaway. The series features a spunky, wise-cracking heroine named Abby Rose -- a wealthy young woman who runs an agency to help people find their birth parents. An "Adoption PI." This often leads to the unraveling of family secrets, jealousy, suspicion, and of course, murder.

Leann currently lives in the Houston area with her husband, Mike, and their pets. Her web site is http://www.leannsweeney.com.

--

SOTC: First, thanks for taking time out of your writing schedule to do this. I'd like to start at the beginning: What year did you first start writing, and what year did you seriously start writing?

Leann: I first started writing in the 4th grade. I won't say when that was, but the "serious" writing began in 1989.

--

SOTC: What was the first piece you had published? And was your initial internal reaction one of strictly happiness over getting in print, or was there some hesitancy in the sense that a little piece of you was getting thrown out to the wolves?

Leann: You know, this is awful, but I can't remember the first piece that was published. A short story, for sure. I know my first mystery short story appeared in the now defunct Murderous Intent magazine and I was paid $15. I was ecstatic and didn't care that I'd lost money on that deal considering how many hours you spend writing a short story.

--

SOTC: Was getting published a driving goal, or was the writing of supreme importance and getting anything in print was a nice side effect?

Leann: Hmmmm. Good question. I think my goal was always to be published but the writing itself became an amazing process. I had no idea what a challenge I had undertaken. I think it's called blissful ignorance.

--

SOTC: How many times did you seriously consider giving up a chance at a writing career, or was it always on your radar -- never a question of "if" but only "when"?

Leann: After every rejection I briefly considered giving up, but those thoughts usually disappeared the next day, so I guess I never seriously considered ever giving up. You gotta believe in yourself or no one else will.

--

SOTC: I know your husband must have been supportive, but were there times when you thought your writing time was "stealing" time from your relationship? Did you get the feeling he may have felt that way?

Leann: He was always supportive and neither of us thought of it as "stealing" anything. If each person in a relationship doesn't follow their passion, I think that is a much bigger drain on the relationship and can lead to a much bigger resentment in the long run.

--

SOTC: What was your "day job" during the early days, and how did you stay on track with your writing after having a hard day at work?

Leann: I have been an RN for a very long time and any job in the health profession can be immensely tiring. I honestly don't know how I did it, except I am a very focused person when it comes to my goals. I recently retired from nursing and must say, I really don't miss it.

--

SOTC: Obviously, with three novels on store shelves, you have to discipline yourself to get the job done, but tell me honestly -- how good are you at meeting deadlines?

Leann: The first one I made, the second one I came close, the third book I missed by several months and the last one by 6 months—but I did have reasons not rationalizations. Honest.

--

SOTC: What organizations, if any, do you belong to? And do you feel they help advance your writing career -- and if so, how do they help?

Leann: I belong to MWA and Sisters in Crime. They help as a support group, a networking option and just as a connection to other writers. Have they helped me? Yes, in that I have found lots of experts to help with my novels, to keep me updated with what's going on in the writing world. And I've made some wonderful friends — especially those people in my critique group and the few enduring friends I found online.

--

SOTC: Have you belonged to any critique groups? And, if so -- as Dr. Phil might say -- how did that work for ya?

Leann: I have belonged to a "live" critique group for a long time, maybe since about 1996. I don't know what I would do without those very talented, insightful people.
I also belonged to an online critique group that was also helpful but helped me learn that the commitment I had and my openness to accepting criticism was not shared by all the people I worked with. (And I'm not talking about you Eric. You have been the most supportive writer I know.)

--

SOTC: If someone came to you today and said they wanted to write a novel, what advice would you offer them?

Leann: Learn your craft while you're writing. Don't try to be taught first, but make the learning a part of the process. There is something to be said for the raw power of first attempts at writing. You do, however, need to know the rules before you can break them. And find your voice — figure out what you have the most fun writing because the story you really lose yourself in is probably where you will find that mysterious thing editors call "voice." And believe me, that "voice" is what they look for.

--

SOTC: Where did the idea for Abby Rose come from?

Leann: A combination of moving from the east to this weird planet called Texas and a news story I read about a corrupt family court judge. I realized I had learned a lot about the culture here in Texas being an outsider and what better way to write mysteries set here than to use adoption as a backdrop? This is a closed adoption state, one of the few left in the US and fertile ground for big family secrets.

--

SOTC: Did you think from the beginning that Abby was series material, or did that happen later?

Leann: I absolutely planned it as a series from day one. My instincts told me that if I wanted to get published in mystery, series was the way to go. Turns out I was right.

--

SOTC: Do you work from a strict outline, a loose one, or do you just "wing it"?

Leann: I write a very long narrative synopsis, my kind of outline, I guess. I need to know the structure of the story, how it begins and ends and what goes in that crucial and difficult middle. But I do veer from the outline if the characters take me someplace else. By the way, it might be enlightening for would-be writers to know that my publisher expects a long synopsis before I write a novel and that part of my advance is tied to that synopsis. So practice them. You might need to know how to write one some day.

--

SOTC: Do you think the novels have all the clues there for the reader to figure out "whodunit", or does it unfold and become something the reader discovers as Abby does?

Leann: I used to write to the standard "puzzle" type style with all the clues there. My last two books, however, are different. You learn what Abby learns as she learns it. It's more a journey than a puzzle and I think this style lends itself more to a suspenseful ending.

--

SOTC: Abby is known for her colorful descriptions, quips and insights. Is it tough to keep them fresh, funny . . . and Texan?

Leann: Very. And I always get a note back from my editor after I send in the manuscript that says, "Make this funnier. Put in more 'Abbyisms.'" Humor is HARD HARD HARD to do and often goes unappreciated in all artistic mediums.

--

SOTC: There's that W. Somerset Maugham saying about the three rules for writing the novel -- but no one knows what they are. What are your personal three rules?

Leann: 1. Never give up. 2. Never give up. 3. Never give up.

--

SOTC: I think in the interest of minimalism, I think I'll reduce that to one personal rule. Another famous Maugham saying is "People ask for criticism, but they only want praise." Is constructive criticism invaluable, helpful, or should it only be left for the professionals (editors, agents, publishers)?

Leann: I LOVE criticism. I do have the power, after all, to reject or accept what I hear. And I often learn something valuable. But criticism is not for everyone and if you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen. That whole thick skin cliché is oh-so-true. Rhinoceros hide would be helpful.

--

SOTC: Once you have a novel "out there" for the world to see, what is your advice on promotion? Is it a necessary evil that a writer must master, or is it more fun than you ever expected?

Leann: It is so much more difficult than I ever expected and I really don't have any idea how much self-promotion helps. A mass market writer like me gets very little help from my publisher -- even though they are a major publisher. But what they are able to do is probably a hundred times more effective than what I do -- which is radio interviews, local and convention appearance, bookstore signings, etc: They get me in Wal-Mart and airports. And, at the big chain bookstores, I usually get an end-of-aisle display when a new book comes out.

--

SOTC: Is there a trick to keeping the series characters fresh and have them grow without stretching credibility? How do you keep them "grounded" and true to who they are supposed to be?

Leann: That's a good question because in this latest book, which will be out in January 2007, I knew I had to shake things up. I mean, stuff happens in people's lives that changes things forever, so why should fictional characters be any different? In fact, their fictional changes might need to be more over the top than what might happen in real life. So that's what I tried to do with my latest book.
Can't say much more than that or I might make Signet mad.

--

SOTC: What can you say about what you're currently working on? And what will you work on next?

Leann: I can say the first draft is done and I am editing it now -- it's titled "Shoot From The Lips." I do not know what I will work on next. My agent will be negotiating a new contract after this manuscript has its final acceptance and I get my advance. After all, I'll be in a far better bargaining position if they like the book.

--

SOTC: Any ideas for a different series? Or maybe a stand-alone novel? Any unfinished work you'd like to get back to?

Leann: I would like to do a stand-alone and have an idea that's burning a hole in my brain. It comes from something I started a while back but I have taken the story in a different direction. So write Signet at the Penguin Group and tell them how much y'all LOVE my books.

--

SOTC: Seriously, I will. I think that voting with our wallets (BUY THE BOOK) is a great thing, but doesn't always say enough. Anyway . . . Leann, thanks again for doing this, and please let me know when your next work is available -- I'll be glad to put out an "Alert".

Leann: The tentative date is January 2007 and thanks so much for the chance to talk about the writing process. It's been fun.

--

Again, Leann's web site is http://www.leannsweeney.com/. You can contact her there and get more information on her novels, including her latest, "Dead Giveaway."

Wasn't He In Star Wars?

Blog.

Blog blog blog.

Sounds like a character in a sci fi film.

On the distant planet Frappacino, Lathian killed the evil Blog with a Zippo Grip manuever.

Or wasn't that creature in the underground room in Lord Of The Rings called a Blog?

It kind of sounds like a side effect to a sinus infection. "I coughed up a blog."

So, this is not a blog.

Journal, column, opinion piece, piece of $#@!, but not blog.